Personal value
03.18.05 (12:56 pm) [edit]Well, here I am again.. jsut posting thoughts...
So the Steeple chase was canceled due to the course being so wet.. for those of you that are wondering why they canceled a race in which you run through water anyways because of rain, I don't know... but they did and I was very angry..
Also our meet was canceled yesterday. We've had 3 straight days of rain and only today did it stop...
Anyways
Since I wasnt running the steeple chase I had a lot of time to think. What I thought about was pretty depressing and it will probably end up as a poem sometime soon.
So, here presented in the usual free-writing style, are my thoughts
do you ever wonder what your worth in the world? What your purpose is?
Almost every night now I fall asleep wondering what purpose I have, and I've concluded that right now my only purpose to get out of bed the next day is so that I can move forward into my future. I have no purpose.
I am not fast enough to score points for the team, im not smart enough to help people learn, and I have no quality to offer anyone that anyone else lacks.
Then I thought, well if I have no purpose, then I must not be worth anything to anyone outside family..
and i tried to list people who's lives would change if I were to move away or something and I couldnt name one person.
Well I'm over this now i dunno what made me think like that; just derpressed i guess.
Do you ever think the only reason you get up in the morning is to go forward into your future?
Track meet today
03.15.05 (10:48 am) [edit]Today we travel to Clearwater High School to compete in a rather large meet.
Since we need all the points we can get to win and It's basically impossible for me to score points in the regular 1600m or 3200m races, I'm going to be running the Steeple chase!
I've always wanted to run the Steeple chase.. ever since I was a kid. It its going to be an interesting race tho.
For those of you that dont know what the steeple chase is, its a 5 lap race around a track that has 4 3-foot hurdles each lap. On the other side of one of the hurdles is a very large water pit that you have to jump into.
Luckily, no one in our area actually trains for the steeple chase, so times are pretty much irrelevant.
This race is gonna boil down to who has the most guts to make themselves get over the hurdles faster, and through the water pit quicker.
Thats good for me cause I run about 30 seconds slower in teh mile than some of the guys I'm up against, so it really levels the playing field.
Top eight get medals and points for their team. There are lots of us running, so hopefully we'll capture all eight spots and earn all 40 points.
That would be a very big help to win.
Wish me luck!
Last of the old poems
03.13.05 (3:51 pm) [edit]"This is Me"
Here I am trying to heal,
getting over what was said,
moving on from my mistakes
Here I am trying to understand,
where I went wrong,
what I did right
Here I am again after showing how I felt,
wishing the emotion was shared,
not regreting my attempts
Here I am playing the fool,
dreaming you could've felt the same,
keeping hope alive
Here I am being grateful,
you didn't laugh, didn't yell,
you didn't hurt my pride
Here I am being thankful,
you understood my place,
and spoke your mind
Here I am appologizing,
promising not to put frienship in danger again,
regreting any harm I've already done
Here I am accepting,
that you don't feel the same,
still hoping we'll be friends
Another old poem
03.13.05 (8:09 am) [edit]Here's another old poem of mine. THis one is one of my favorites. Say what you think.
"Questions"
Why do I bother,
why do I care
Why do I reach,
when nothing is there
What keeps me going,
what fuels me on
Why can't I stop,
when hope is gone
Why do I want you,
what is it I need
What keeps me following,
with you at the lead
I don't know where we're headed,
the map has long been missing
Along the way I'll dream,
and often be found wishing
Our destination's uncertain,
but one thing holds true
I want to be together there,
together there with you
Yes, I did write this and all the other poems you see here (unless i tell otherwise).
I hope you enjoy them
Two more old poems
03.12.05 (9:50 pm) [edit]here's two more writings of mine that i found burried
tell me what your think.
"Games"
Check, check mate,
I've taken your bait.
You're into my mind,
With games of the cruelest kind.
You're cunning, clever, you use your skill,
You force me to play against my will.
You're in control,
but it's my turn to roll.
The dice reveal a new face to show,
Maybe I like these games more than you know.
I'm up to this challenge of yours,
but normally these games bring me bores.
It's different this time around,
I have a goal to keep me bound.
I submit to this tourture, voluntarily it's true.
I only want one thing, and that thing is you.
"Careless"
My body's numb, my senses dead,
Thoughts of you roll through my head
My emotions gather dust,
Useless to me, they begin to rust
You've broken me down,
Leading me on then letting me fall,
I should have no reason to care, no reason at all
But I push on, not ready to give in,
willing to do it all over again
I can't let go, not when I'm so near,
All I want is to make you my Dear...
Comments wanted please; more writings coming as well.
Some old writings of mine
03.12.05 (8:22 am) [edit]This is my first ever attempt at a poem. it's a few years old now, but I just came across it again and I decided to post it. More will come as I come across them.
"When Your Eyes Meet Mine"
When your eyes meet mine
They stop my heart
But I feel just fine
When your eyes meet mine
I can see your soul
It is pure and divine
When your eyes meet mine
They stop my world
With their captivating shine
When your eyes first met mine
I knew it was you
I'd have to make mine
My freakin turn
03.11.05 (9:58 pm) [edit]I'm just waiting for my freakin turn at having a great life for a while.
everyone else around me has had their chance at something good, something like what I want.
every day i get angrier, more irritated, more anxious, more annoyed
when the hell is my turn
don't think im just waiting, im def. doing all i can to help myself
nothing works
this seems hopeless
but i gotta keep doin what im doin since right now the only reason I have to wake up in the morning is hope and the future cause nothing is going for me now.
I wanna just come right out and say it but i know that would just backfire
things like that dont work for me; at least they havent yet.
why can't I just be happy with what I have....
why must I torture myself by wanting more....
just posting thoughts for now..
Strange dream
03.08.05 (7:52 am) [edit]Strange dream I thought I would post about so I don't forget it:
So it all started with me in my science class... only it wasn't a science classroom it was more like an airport terminal. In this room there are lots of people I know and family. I'm talking on my cell phone to a friend of mine (who is for some reason also in the room.. i dunno why we're using cell phones) and he is trying to teach me how to play soccer.... only he was talking aout second basemen and moving the players around like pawns on a chess board.
Well eventually I hung up on him cause it was too stupid and for some reason hanging up teleported me to my grandmothers house. Dreams have a weird way of doing that.
At my grandmothers house I was just leaving, and I walked outside and I looked up.
High in the sky, no, in space, I could see these two huge alien motherships.
One was green, the other blue. They were globular in shape and were exchanging fire. It reminded me of a starwars scene.
the green one shot green laser pulses and the blue one shot blue ones. They each had matching smaller craft flying around having dog fights and attacking the enemy's ship.
The battle didn't last long, as the green ship got ahold of one of the tiny blue ships, sucked it up, and spit out a huge ball of energy in its place. This mass of energy then headed straight for the blue ship and destroyed it and the tiny blue ships in one big silent explosing.
Then I woke up and was running late...
The end.
"Space" -by rmv7213
03.07.05 (8:26 pm) [edit]I felt like I needed to organize my thoughts into one piece of writing, cause maybe they will flow more freely like this. Tell me what you think.
"Space"
I have a space I want to fill,
A dark little place with thoughts so shrill.
They make me wish and make me wonder,
Make me dream and make me ponder.
What I need is made so clear,
But dreams are no where near Here.
Here is empty, Here is lacking,
Here is sadly far from from Feeling.
Feeling that there was a point,
Feeling that there is a reason.
A reason to move onward, until I reach the top.
A reason to go forward, a reason not to stop.
A spring of life awaits me There,
With simple treasures everywhere.
The source, you ask, of my persistance?
The fulfillment of my own existence.
With this hole I'm incomplete,
In the void, my heart can't beat.
To what I want, I'm never near,
But what I want is found right Here.
thoughts on the moment
03.06.05 (4:20 pm) [edit]hmm... bored out of my mind so im here
Got a new color scheme for this place. I shall Call It... Graphite... What do you think? Def. an improvement on what I had before.
I've been feeling lonely again recently. Not lonely as in I have no friends, I have plenty of friends. Lonely as in i need .. no not need.. i want a girlfriend; i want to be in a relationship. pathetic i know, but thats how I feel. I guess i just want to feel like someone cares about me; i want that feeling
it's the little things i want; i wanna hold hands, i wanna just hang out, i wanna watch movies, i wanna feel right, i wanna learn about her, i wanna go places together, i want to look into her eyes, and i want to feel complete
Ive felt like this before, and it always goes away. not because it's been fulfilled but because i gave up hope. I dont want it to go away. i'd rather feel like this than have no feelings.
Well, i can't keep kicking myself about it. it was my fault kinda anyways. I helped her and him without considering what i felt.
If putting other people before yourself is the right thing to do, why am I upset?
I guess I can attribute it to human nature; we want what we can't have and we aren't interested in what we can already achieve. But without that mentality no one would ever reach for their dreams. we'd all just stop short somewhere between what we don't want and what we dream of.
I'd rather reach for the sky and miss than settle for what I can already earn.
I dunno.. if that makes any sense to anyone out there I'd appreciate it if you commented.